5月 19: 世界上最有趣的笑话
英国“LaughLab”评出的世界上最有趣的笑话。虽然这个文章有点tooold了，但原始的英文版想必很多人还没看过。我觉得很多英文笑话经过翻译以后就损失了不少原味了，所以决定把原版一块贴上来，呵呵。
先看中文版：
英国科学促进协会经过了1年的评议，于近日公布了“世界上最有趣的笑话”。
这一研究项目取名为“笑实验室”，被认为是有史以来对幽默问题最庞大的科学研究计划。英国科学促进协会通过一个网站向全世界征集笑话，并让网民根据可笑程度评级。总共有来自70个国家的4万多个笑话参加了评选，有200万人投了票。
最终获得世界第一的笑话是：
两个猎人正在森林中狩猎，其中一个突然晕倒了。他看上去已经停止了呼吸，眼睛朝上翻着。另一个猎人掏出手机，拨通紧急求助电话。他气喘吁吁地对接线员说：“我朋友死了。我该怎么办？”接线员用冷静和宽慰的语调回答说：“放松一点，我能够帮助你。首先确定一下他确实是死了。”一阵沉默过后，接线员在电话里听到了一声枪响。重新抓起电话的猎人说：“好了，然后怎么办？”
这个笑话的提交者是31岁的戈帕尔·高赛，英国曼彻斯特的一个精神病专家。他告诉“笑实验室”：“我喜欢那些会让人们感觉好一点的笑话，因为这种笑话提醒他们，总有一些家伙会做出更傻的事。”
为什么这个笑话得了第一名？主持“笑实验室”的心理学家理查德·韦斯曼说：“这个笑话之所以吸引人，因为它跨越了国界，而且男女老幼都喜欢它。很多笑话在某一类人群中得到非常高的票数，但这个是真正具有普遍吸引力的。我们发现，笑话好笑的原因有很多：有些让我们感到高人一等，有些则减轻了让人紧张的事件对情绪的影响，或者是某种不合理的东西让我们惊讶得合不拢嘴然后笑了出来。猎人的笑话囊括了全部的3个因素———我们觉得自己比那个愚蠢的猎人聪明，猎人对接线员的话的误解导致了一种‘不合理’，最后笑话让我们发笑，是因为它让我们嘲笑我们对自己死亡的担心。”
不同国家的网民有着不同的好笑取向，因此各国有着不同的最好笑的笑话。
英国：有一个妇女带着孩子上了公共汽车。司机说：“哎唷，这可是我见过的最丑的娃娃。”气愤至极的妇女走到车厢后部，坐了下来，对邻座的男人说：“司机侮辱我！”那个男人说：“你去和他算账。你去吧，我来抱你的猴子。”
美国：美国的情况有点奇怪。戴夫·巴里是一个著名的幽默大师，美国很多报纸有他的专栏。在2002年1月，他慷慨地给了“笑实验室”一个完整的专栏。在专栏的最后，他请读者们提交各种笑话，但都以这句话作为结尾：“有一只黄鼠狼正在咬我的下体。”
在几天之内，“笑实验室”就收到了多达1500条如此结尾的笑话。其中有一个票数最高，几乎成为美国人的最爱——
在游行中，上校注意到有些奇怪的事，就问道：“巴里少校，琼斯中士那一排到底出了什么事？他们每个人都在浑身抽搐，跳来跳去。”
巴里少校观察了一会儿：“哦，长官，看起来有个黄鼠狼正在咬他的下体。”
如果不管黄鼠狼，那么美国人最喜欢的笑话是下面这个——
两个朋友正在高尔夫球场打球，其中一个正要挥杆时，看到紧挨球场的路上来了一列长长的送葬队伍。于是他挥了一半停下来，脱下球帽，闭上双眼，弯下腰祈祷。他的朋友说：“哎呀，这可是我看到过的最体贴、最令人感动的事。你真是一个好人哪。”那人回答说：“是呀，我们都结婚35年了。”
加拿大：美国宇航局（NASA）的宇航员上天后，很快发现圆珠笔在无重力时就写不出来。为了解决这一问题，NASA花了10年时间，120亿美元，想发明出一种笔，可以在零重力下用，可以在头朝下时写，可以在水底下、在几乎所有表面包括玻璃上写，从零下到摄氏300度时都能用。俄罗斯人用一支铅笔都解决了。
德国：一个将军注意到，有个士兵的行为很奇怪，总是捡起能找到的任何纸张并皱皱眉头说：“不是这个。”然后把那张纸放回去。就这样过了一段时间后，将军为士兵安排了一次心理测试。心理学家得出结论，这个士兵神经错乱了。于是写了诊断，要将他开除军籍。士兵将诊断书捡起来，微笑着说：“就是这个。”
澳大利亚：一个男人去牙买加度假，他的妻子正好出差，打算第二天与他在牙买加会合。这个男人到了旅馆后，决定给妻子发一封电子邮件。可是写有妻子邮箱地址的那张纸条怎么都找不到了，他只好尽力地回忆。不幸的是，他漏掉了一个字母，结果这封邮件发到了一个老传教士妻子的信箱里，这个老传教士前一天刚去世。
悲伤的寡妇检查邮件时，看了一眼显示器，尖叫一声，倒在地上死了。她的家人闻声跑过来，看到屏幕上写着：最亲爱的妻子，我刚入住。每样东西都准备好了，迎接你明天的到来。爱你的丈夫。附，这里真是很热。
芬兰：一个新教师正打算运用一下心理学课程中学到的东西，她上课前先说：“认为自己是傻瓜的，站起来。”几秒钟后，小约翰尼站了起来。
老师问：“小约翰尼，你认为自己是傻瓜吗？”
小约翰尼回答：“不是的，夫人。但我不想看到只有你一个人站在那里。”
来源：《生活时报》 2002年10月21日 （责任编辑：徐冬梅）
附：原版笑话：
THE WINNING JOKE
After much careful scrutiny, we are proud to announce our winning joke. This joke received higher ratings than any other gag.
Drum roll…..
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
This winning joke was submitted by Gurpal Gosall, a 31 year old psychiatrist from Manchester in the UK. He told LaughLab that:
"I like the joke as it makes people feel better, because it reminds them that there is always someone out there who is doing something more stupid than themselves."
?So why did the hunters joke perform so well? Dr
Richard Wiseman, the psychologist behind the LaughLab project, said:
"This joke is interesting because it works across many different countries, appeals to men and women, and young and old alike. Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal. Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons – they sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking events, or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity. The hunters joke contains all three elements – we feel superior to the stupid hunter, realise the incongruity of him misunderstanding the operator and the joke helps us to laugh about our concerns about our own mortality."
SECOND PLACE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Top joke in USA
The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’
Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.
One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:
At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Top joke in Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Top joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
笑实验室主页：http://www.laughlab.co.uk/
